So. I'm pretty white. In fact I glow in the dark.

And since we're going to Cancun with the boys at the end of May, I'm in trouble. Skin as white as mine would shrivel up and die if suddenly exposed to large amounts of sun. So, after much discussion Manda convinced me to fake bake. Yes. I am now cooking myself in a human microwave.

I'd never "fake baked" before. I was nervous. The leather skinned lady that ran the tanning place (appropriately called "Jamaca Me Tan") gave us a brief tour and tutorial of how to work the microwave. The instructions were simple. Lay down, hit "start" on the machine, put your protective eye-wear on, lower the top, lay there for 12 minutes, turn over, then lay there for another 12 minutes. If you're still frozen in the center cook for another 3-5 minutes.

I was volunteered to go first. Of course this made sense since I had no clue what I was doing. I had to ask Manda a bunch of follow up questions before I felt comfortable heading out on my own. She was patient and only laughed at me a few times.

Do you ever wonder while you're getting naked in a strange place if you're going to see your blurred image on the news in 6 months after they discovered this company illegally taping people getting dressed/undressed? I may have wondered that.

So, I lay down, hit Start, lower the top and then realize I don't have my protective eye-wear on (called "Peepers"). Since I wasn't sure what would happen if I opened the top, I crawled through the opening in the bed by my head. Slithered is more like what I did. Once my peepers were on, I slithered back into the hole and got settled.

I was scared to touch the inside of the machine. I was afraid it would burn me. It was only when I had to turn over and I wacked my elbow on the top, that I realized there was nothing to be scared of. This was also about the time my peepers kept falling off. I couldn't keep them on. "You have to wear them at all times" kept running through my head. Well crap.

So every 30 seconds I had to fumble around and put them back over my eyes. These things were poorly designed.

So after I was done, it was Manda's turn. We had a brief conversation while leather lady "sanitized" the tanning bed for Manda. Here are the highlights of our conversation:

M: "how was it?"

L: "clausterphobic and hot"

M: " *laughs* your face is all freckles."

L: "thanks. i couldn't keep my peepers on."

M "did you use the elastic strap that comes with them?"

L: "what elastic strap?"

M: "*laughs* This one."

L: "oh. no. i didn't know that came with them."

M: " leather lady is bi-sexual."

L: "what?"

M: "okay, the bed's ready."

So, Manda runs off. No explanation of how she knows this lady is bi-sexual. No explanation as to why she felt it was important to share this information with me.

Now, it's me and leather lady staring at each other. I'm not sure what to say. She apparently wasn't shy and immediately started in on how she's married, but likes having girlfriends on the side. With her husbands approval. (she made sure to emphasize that part.) I didn't know what to say to this. All I kept saying was "oh really? that's neat." Thankfully, other customers showed up and I didn't have to talk much after that.

So far, I'm not a fan of the human microwave. I think I'll stop visiting it after Cancun.

Peace Out.