OK, so it couldn't get worse? HA....the trip from hell had only just begun.
After Lindsay decided to try re-arranging the skin on her fingers via a fast moving dog leash, we left for the airport. We stopped to get a quick bite to eat before trudging through security. Taco Bell was the fast, cheap, easy and on the way decision. We order our usual, 3 crunchy tacos each and a drink to share. The drink request was Sierra Mist. You know how you have your mouth all prepared for one thing and take a big ole drink of it?.....then SURPRISE, it's actually Pepsi! Yeah, it was interesting.)
So, we pull into the parking garage to begin the unbelievably fun task of finding a parking spot when all of a sudden, out of NO WHERE, this guy in his P.O.S. little Honda Accord comes flying out of his parking spot backward. "Jerk Face" (this is the cleaned up version of what I actually called him) didn't even look before he pulled a Jeff Gordon in reverse and almost took us out. Of course we did the same thing any normal person would do, honked the horn and gave the evil eye. Well, "Jerk Face" laughed and flipped us off! FLIPPED US OFF!! Can you believe that? *sigh* My blood pressure just shot up thinking about it.
Alright, where was I, "Jerk Face" got me all discombobulated...so, we get inside the airport and stand in line to get through security when the TSA Nazi's confiscate half our toiletries. Who knew they changed the ounce requirements. Who knew having a 5 oz bottle of lotion that was only half full was "against the rules?" We wait in line, go through the cattle call that is necessary to board any Southwest flight. All this with only a minor 30 - 45 minute delay. (if you travel at all, you know a 30 - 45 minute delay is fantastic!) We pick our seats and settle in for the "long" flight to Vegas. Ahhh, finally we will be able to relax and get ready to throw down in Sin City, right? RIIIIGHT. We're airborne and the flight attendant gets everyone their drinks, typical flight shenanigans. Suddenly, there is a shuffling noise, three heads in the seats in front of us pop up....then, Lindsay's feet, my feet and both of our backpacks are covered in Vodka Tonic. My disbelief is only compounded when I hear what one of the "Intellectually Challenged Klutz's" say, "Uh, the plane like, just went up." (Ok, let me think about this for a second....first of all, I don't know about you, but when I am on a plane, it is in the air and I am not to my destination yet, I am DAMN glad it is "up"....isn't the other alternative down? My second observation at this moment was....if the plane "just went up" wouldn't the drinks that were sitting on the tray in front of Lindsay, the lady beside us, myself AND EVERYONE ONE ELSE ON THE PLANE have spilled every where too? Just curious.) On with the story...we land in Vegas and are getting ready to deplane when I notice something about the "Intellectually Challenged Klutz's" attire. One of the girls had on this little dress that barely covered her "junk" and it was SOAKED in Vodka Tonic, one of the other ICK's looked like he had downed an entire gallon of water and didn't quite make it to the potty. Isn't justice divine?
Checking into the hotel was a breeze, I caught myself thinking "this trip might turn out ok"....shouldn't we know better than to tease ourselves with this line of thinking? Lindsay and I go see the bride-to-be and her pals in their room and head to our room to call it a night. Nothing like crawling onto a slab of freshly laundered concrete and curling up with a sandpaper blanket to catch some zzzz's. Finally, sleep takes over and I am dreaming of beautiful meadows when suddenly a dark figure appears in the meadow with a FOG HORN blaring in my ear....wait, that isn't a dark figure with a fog horn, that would be an obnoxiously loud alarm going off in the hotel. *sigh* I get up and open the door expecting smoke or fire or a crazy bastard with a gun and I see nothing, NOTHING! (Oh, by the way, it happens to be 7 A.M.) I crawl back into the slab and pull the sand paper back over me and try to re-visit the meadows when a VERY, VERY LOUD voice begins speaking to me. I look at Lindsay as if to get confirmation that she heard them too. She is wide-eyed and questioning her sanity as well. So, we both stop to listen to what the voice has to say....."YOU MAY HAVE HEARD AN ALARM. PLEASE STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. SECURITY IS CHECKING INTO THIS." (who knew there was a loud speaker IN our room ABOVE our bed?) Nice. Stay in your room so you can get blown up or some weirdo can come kidnap you..... Do they expect us to go back to sleep now? Honestly! Lindsay and I do what any good guest would do, we open the door and look around...no, really, we lie in bed and "await instructions". Are you wondering what those instructions were? "PLEASE DISREGARD THE ALARM. EVERYTHING IS FINE." However, they couldn't say this and be done. No. They repeated it 10 times, VERY, VERY loudly. Did I mention VERY? We gave up, got out of bed for breakfast and went to the little store down stairs to purchase toiletries, thanks to the TSA Nazi's.
SO....later that day, we decide to try out the new toiletries. Seriously, the shower was the worst thing about the whole trip. No. Really. I turn the handle to hot and cannot believe what comes out, or doesn't, depending on the way you look at it. There is barely a trickle when it is pointed to hot and you had to turn the handle to cold to have a stream of water very similar to what comes from a garden hose without a nozzle on it. Washing my hair was a blast. Bathing was even better. The Sahara SUCKS! Never EVER stay there.
Keep in mind, while all of this is going on, I am still having to play "Firefighter" and get the "baby" her ice for her savaged fingers. Ironically, the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. (if you call penis sip cups and penis bopper head bands uneventful....) We got home relatively unscathed and lived to travel again.
Our next trip was quite interesting too...I should write a book about all the interesting airport antics we experience. =o)
L8R.
Manda
